Junaid Jamshed has done it again. And it looks like he’ll never learn. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2yflld[/embed] Whatever made him say the things he did about Hazrat Aisha (RA) previously which made him run for his life, were clearly not enough for him to understand what he’s doing wrong. And if I were his PR manager (if and so he actually has one) this would be my one single email to him,

“Dear boss, Google the word ‘misogyny’. Then stay away from it forever.”

An event of momentous importance has occurred and, as is usual with the more earth shaking happenings, has been completely ignored. One might suspect a cover-up by the intelligence agencies because why, for the love of all that is holy, is no one talking about this? Shoaib Malik has challenged Yuvraj Singh to a dance-off. https://twitter.com/realshoaibmalik/status/623153354760294401 https://twitter.com/YUVSTRONG12/status/624999883674648576 Ladies and gentlemen, the gauntlet has been thrown. The reputation of our country is at stake. Two cricket legends (and-a-tennis-player-meh-nobody-cares) face off on the dance pitch. Or is it the cricket floor? The English language is not prepared for this. No one is prepared for this. We need to win my fellow Pakistanis. Because let’s face it, if this was a cricket match, we’d probably lose. It is about time that our players looked into alternate careers and what better way to stay in the spotlight than shaking your booty with your (not so famous) wife on the internet. Private channels, take note, this could be turned into the television event of the century. It’ll have to happen in collaboration with Bollywood, because we do not have the star power for something like this. Shah Rukh Khan and Saif Ali Khan could host the whole thing and tell crass jokes about everyone except the Bachans. We could put in a few item numbers as entrees to the main event, with Pakistani women in racy outfits right alongside their Indian sisters, because women can’t do anything else to illicit comment.  Then we could top it all off with a fireworks display once the winning team is announced. Speaking of teams, Shoaib is married to what’s-her-name, so we’ll need a partner for Yuvraj as well. To keep things fair, she ought to be Pakistani. He doesn’t have to be married to his partner, does he? Maybe he does, but that could be arranged right? That’s what social media trends are for. I nominate Mathira. Because if he does marry her, then she’ll move to India and it’ll be a load off of every ghairatmand Pakistanis’ mind. Now, everyone knows Pakistanis cannot dance. Singing is what we really excel at. The pact has been sealed however, so we’ll just have to look to other ways of winning. What? You didn’t know there were other ways to win? What planet are you from? It’s not about the dancing, it’s about the entertainment! Mrs Malik must be dressed in the least amount of glittery fabric (with LEDs) and if Shoaib feels uncomfortable about it, he can call a press conference or something afterwards and say that he hated doing it, really. It went against every moral fibre in his being but he’d already signed a contract. Hamza Ali Abbasi tried it and everything turned out okay for him. Where were we? Ah yes, winning. The outfits must be designed by a famous Pakistani designer. We could have all of them compete like they did for the PIA uniform. Two momentous social events (hyperventilates in a corner). And then the dance number itself must have the most mind-boggling effects CGI can come up with. We need to distract the judges from Pakistan’s complete lack of dancing skills at any cost. How about the Dettol warriors appear in a cameo? No, wait, the Dettol warriors and Commander Safeguard battle it out for anti-bacterial supremacy while the Maliks pirouette in the back ground. How can we have CGI at a live event? Listen honey, Indians and Pakistanis, we don’t really like each other, okay. Imagine what would happen if we put a few thousand together in a stadium and the team that half of the screaming masses was supporting, lost. The Indians would set everything on fire and the Pakistanis would blow themselves up. It’s not safe. So we film everything, edit it, pretend we have a live audience and then televise it for the world to see. People have been fooled before. All these ideas are copyright by the way. I am willing to sell the rights for the ‘India-Pakistan Cricket Dance-Off That Has No Cricket’ to GEO for a reasonable sum as long as Aamir Liaquat promises to close the whole event with a song and some tap dance. Also if Yuvraj wants to be a part of this, he has to have the Indian cricket team come play in Pakistan. What? Did I forget the judges? I don’t know man. I can’t think of everything. Is Simon Cowell free? Sakina out!

Open letters are the new ‘in’ thing. Everyone, while not busy taking selfies or engaging in internet wars, is writing them. Unlike personal letters that are addressed to and only read by the person intended, these have a universal appeal. Hence, I decided to write a few of my own, a series of them in fact. Here is the first one: To Hamza Ali Abbasi from an Online Jihadi. Hazrat Hamza Ali Abbasi Sahib, My heart sank when I saw the trailer of your upcoming movie, Jawani Phir Nahin Ani. And it sank even further to the bottom of the very pool you were seen emerging from, staring lustfully at bikini-clad women, being just as skimpily clothed yourself. Now, before you get any wrong ideas, let me clear the air that I’m not (God forbid) one of those liberals who believe in the shameful idea of living and letting live. My indignation with you stems out of our commonality; I’m just as holier-than-thou, morally superior and self-righteous as you are, and I write this letter to you in good spirit. All I’m saying is that whatever you do in your personal life is your own business (in stark contrast to Ayesha Omar and Maria Wasti), but just be a little cautious while filming something millions of young, unpolluted minds are going to see. My other complaint with you lies in your desertion of the police force and joining this ‘dirty’ industry. I mean, you could have easily stayed in the law enforcement agencies and checked nikkah naamahs (marriage contracts) of those engaging in utterly deplorable acts like chatting and sitting together in public spaces, and polluting innocent minds. I bet you’d have loved to give such debauch people a good thrashing! You would have been another Maya Khan in the making, Sir! But I must confess, you undid some of the damage by starring in Waar and playing a good Muslim and Pakistani. Speaking of Waar, here is another woe – why English? The language of the infidels! And why have a sister who not only dares to leave her home to work alongside men (touches ears) but even dons western clothes? Also, it would have been a lot better if you were to fight some Indians or Americans in that film in place of killing your fellow Muslims. But then again, your Facebook statuses tell me there’s only so much you can do, and I guess it’s not easy working in an industry filled with sinners that you totally and appropriately hate. There are the gay designers you hate but still have to wear their clothes, the besharam item number girls you hate but still have to romance, the venomous friends you love but who get you to film exposing scenes you hate, the Indian content you hate but your claim-to-fame serial started with an Indian song. How do you manage all this pressure? And hence, my letter of faith to you. I’m sure you’ll soon start your exalted campaign of cleansing this industry of all the filth. Also, if I may, why don’t you do a programme of your own next Ramazan? What better celebrity than you for this noble cause? With you in the lead, we ought to be hearing good news again! Regards, Your brother in faith (and hypocrisy) To Mahira Khan from a Film Critic My Dearest Mahira Khan, I hope this letter finds you in as pink a health as your cheeks in the songs of Bin Roye. Unfolding my grievances, my wait for a pass to Bin Roye’s premiere never saw the sun’s supreme glory and I was brazenly denied entry to the venue. Had this been any other film critic, your film would get a bashing so intense that it would echo in all the Indian cinema halls where your film finally got the green light to be screened. Okay, pardon my sarcasm – I wrote a review for your film for one of the leading English dailies and gave it a whooping five stars, all because of you. I even wrote a review of your upcoming movie Raees and submitted it, only to receive some very cold looks (and words) from my editor, that fat ingrate! I was then told to submit it later since Raees’s release is still about a year away. Talking about your films, why are you so insistent upon playing love interests of men you can so conveniently play the daughter of? I might not know a lot about film-making, the closest I got to the task was recording my daughter’s birthday on my phone (but the trick in our business is never to leak secrets; when I’m clueless about a film, I just put in a lot of complicated English words that the masses cannot comprehend and usually say something nasty about things like ‘cinematography’ and put in a line or two like ‘the script doesn’t have enough glue to keep it together’), but I know well enough to advise you against working with historical (literally speaking) men. To be honest, I don’t even watch many films. My landing in this profession was an obscene follow up to my rejection as an investigative journalist. But hey, I’m not complaining. For you see, unlike investigative journalists, I never get any hate mail. Okay, to be honest, I don’t get any mail at all. But that’s alright. Also, since you’re in touch with Shah Rukh Khan, could you please tell him not to take up roles that depict him as a lover in his 20’s? It’s funny. Also, tell him to never to take off his shirt. That’s funnier. And next time you’re making a movie, make sure you’re putting in a full dhuaandaar (fiery) item number. That’s all we film critics care about. I gave Bol a sad one and a half star only, simply because of that amateur mujra in the film. Remember, for when you’re in India, we will be watching you closely. To be honest, that’s about the only time we Pakistani critics do watch our celebrities closely – when they are in India! Also, excuse me as I take my leave and rush off to watch Bajrangi Bhaijaan because, then again, these are the only kinds of films we actually watch and understand! Regards, A critic waiting for an invite to Ho Mann Jahaan. To Reham Khan from an Insafian Respected Reham Bhabi, It gives me immense pleasure to write to you since you aren’t only our leader’s impeccable choice, but also the most popular national bhabi of our country – second only to Sania bhabi. I could have written this letter directly to your husband, the great Khan, but he doesn’t really pay heed to others’ words, even (or especially) if they happen to be his voters. First of all, please congratulate Khan Sahib on winning the 1992 World Cup, for that’s the juncture where we seem to be stuck at – and which serves as a fulcrum for all our political debates. Winning the cup might have been team effort but he, and we, prefer to make it sound like a one-man story. Also congratulate him on the success story of Shaukat Khanum Memorial Hospital which stands as an emblem of all his leadership qualities. Now, haters may say running a hospital and a country are two different things but he, and we, beg to differ. Speaking of haters, it’s so shameful to see those low lives disrespecting a woman and making a pointless deal about your (lack of) degree. We, on the other hand, maintain a more austere code of conduct. Yes, we might attack a leading politician’s daughter with elopement jokes but that’s solely in national interest. Talking about the nation, the last time I checked, Mr Khan was reiterating his beliefs about a dialogue with the Taliban. Now, haters may say that such statements, especially when the army is carrying out serious operations against them, may be demoralising and destructible but he, and we, think otherwise. But then, what else can you expect from people who can hire fake people to act as fake parents to fake shaheed children while our leader went to Army Public School (APS) in Peshawar? And who also look down upon our revolutionary dharna as being economically damaging? Ask DJ Butt about the economy bit! Our leader (and we) believe the dharna to be nothing less than a French Revolution in the making, only better. Oh, and the most important thing! Your husband is very knowledgeable, with all those fancy quotes from dead people on Twitter. He, and we, believe him to be Pakistan’s Nelson Mandela, only better. Also while you’re at it, can you please remind him that a place called Hazara also exists in Khyber-Pukhtunkhwa (K-P)? I’m not complaining, in the spirit of a true ‘Insafian’, but the presence of your husband’s government was only felt in the region when he threatened to throw the doctors out of the hospitals! What a furore it caused amongst those poor things, ha! Oh, it has just started raining. And when it rains, the very decrepit roads of Abbottabad, the city I hail from, become deep ponds in a matter of minutes. But our leader, and we, believe what happens in K-P, stays in K-P (except for Peshawar’s beautification pictures which go up on Facebook)! What many don’t understand is that rain is a blessing in disguise. All of us just wait for Lahore’s underpasses to fill with water so we can crack Venice jokes! Anyway, I’m off to post something offensive against some lifafa journalists, all in the name of national interest, of course! Regards, Your dewar from Naya Pakistan To Ayyan Ali from a Senior Journalist Dear Beauty (Jail) Queen, Let me start with an honest confession: I don’t really know who you are. You were completely non-existent for me a couple of months ago - before you got caught at the airport and all hell let loose. Yes, even though you did a few mobile company commercials, occasionally throwing your husband around but those did nothing to change your non-existent status. Yes, yes, I’ve heard that you are some top model or something, but what sort of a top model takes selfies with Waqar Zaka? I mean, sure, I have to admit that your selfie gave Komal Rizvi a run for her money, but really?! Anyway, you might be wondering about the purpose of this open letter. Well, I don’t have any other way to contact you and something’s been piquing me so much that I just had to get it out of my system. It was nauseating to see my community treat you so harshly while you were in jail. A lot of stupid, reckless attention was given to you irrationally – and no one asked you any real questions. Along the way, there also came reports of a murder associated with your case, but when my community had your attire and Adiala jail’s other inmates’ happiness to talk about, it deserved to be ignored. The social media’s dealing was just as absurd – each hearing of yours invited a number of status updates, drooping even to the level of posting heinous ultrasound pictures. I, as a senior journalist of this country, was overwhelmingly appalled by all this. I’m all for the freedom of the media but nothing is above the upholding of morals and professionalism. And I’m a sucker for accurate reporting – I just have to be direct and clear – no matter how much my questions offend my victim/guest. Therefore, I write this letter to you to apologise for what my media community did to you. I will write another open letter to a leading film star of this country and his channel for airing your old interview this Eid – these people will do anything for ratings. Also, despite the excessive coverage, not one reporter asked you anything of importance. Not one! But I have one question - please answer honestly: Are you actually related to Iman Ali? Surely, the common surname and the rhyming first names cannot just be an uncanny coincidence? Also, may I have her mobile number? Thank you! Regards, A senior journalist and analyst, ex-CEO of an obsolete group.

Dear Faisal Qureshi, Let me start by saying that while I am a film critic whose reviews are published weekly in Pakistan, I rarely watch Bollywood ‘films’. In fact, the last time I tried, my brain snapped shut, and I vomited uncontrollably for a few minutes. Later, I was diagnosed with Post Bollywood Stress Disorder (PBSD), a mental health condition provoked by a shockingly bad Bollywood film. I was sure I would never watch something as horrific again, until I saw your video response to Indian actor Saif Ali Khan’s comments on the Pakistani ban on his film, Phantom. [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/qureshi.faisal/videos/vb.90055916454/10152932041031455/?type=2&theater"][/fbvideo] Now, I must admit, at the very least, you sparked my interest. After recovering from your video, thanks to a few pills of Imodium, I had a look at the trailer for Phantom. I do agree that this actioner looks like typical Bollywood nonsense where the ideas are recycled from counter-terrorism TV shows such as 24, and films such as Zero Dark Thirty, with the overall tone as subtle as a gorilla conducting a rectal exam. I also agree that Khan is naive to complain about Pakistan blocking his Citizen Kane when similar films of ours are banned in India. I believe films are an art form, and there is nothing artistic about a film which takes thematic decisions based purely on commercialism or patriotism. Meanwhile, Indian film critics have already ripped Phantom to shreds over its jingoism while the charity Medecins Sans Frontieres (MSF) is all set to sue the filmmakers for its dangerous portrayal of its workers. That being said, Qureshi, while some of your points can be appreciated, your video was even more offensive than the film you were targeting, which certainly takes special doing. This would be like being defeated by a fish in a tree climbing contest, or coming across as the real eccentric after a debate with Donald Trump, or losing to Kamran Akmal in a catching contest, and we know that the Akmal men couldn’t even catch a disease in the middle of an Ebola outbreak. In fact, let me take a few minutes to applause. I have never seen such a potent combination of misogyny, sexism, and misdirected saber rattling, packed into a 12-minute long video. It is as if Junaid Jamshed, Hamza Ali Abbasi, and Aamir Liaquat had a baby. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the cartoon show Captain Planet, but I imagine these gentlemen held up their rings, combined their powers, and formed you. Your attempts to belittle Khan by repeatedly calling him ‘behan’ (sister) and ‘bachi’ (little girl) are so demeaning, I bet even Jamshed is sitting at home thinking,

“Dude, that’s a little sexist.”

“This nation knows how to deal with enemies, both foreign and domestic.”

Saif Ali Khan’s Phantom (2015) was a sad excuse for a movie, much like Shaan Shahid’s Musalman (2001). Movies that play on the very jingoistic sentiment, which have led us into various wars and thousands of casualties, do nothing but betray their audiences who otherwise wish and need peace in the region. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2z857o[/embed] Pakistan was right to ban the film as a sign of protest. I would expect the same from India but India being a much older democracy has been far more disappointing. Not only did it ban non-political movies and dramas from Pakistan, but our artists like Shakeel Siddiqui and singers like Atif Aslam have also been directly threatened whilst on Indian soil, something no Indian artists has ever faced while visiting Pakistan. The recent controversy created by Phantom, and subsequent statements made by Saif Ali Khan, got angry responses from known actors like Shaan Shahid and Hamza Ali Abbasi, and anchors like Faisal Qureshi and Shahzad Khan. I can understand their anger and hence, this video is not about defending Phantom or Saif Ali Khan. [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/qureshi.faisal/videos/vb.90055916454/10152932041031455/?type=2&theater"][/fbvideo] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="338"] Photo: Hamza Ali Abbasi Facebook page[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="492"] Photo: Hamza Ali Abbasi Facebook page[/caption] [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153121929723061"][/fbvideo] But I fail to understand the use of sexism to echo one’s point in a patriarchal society (Qureshi), questioning people’s religion and associating one’s morality to their clothes (Abbasi), teasing a man on his wife’s personal life (Shahzad Khan) and demanding ban on another Pakistani Artist, Mawra Hocane, and endangering her career just for having an opposite view about a fictional movie (Shahid). This video is about the references and context we use to express our anger which may be perpetuating prejudices. https://twitter.com/mshaanshahid/status/637351362288844800 These four gentlemen above have done remarkable work for Pakistan in their respective fields and otherwise, and are blessed with the love and support of millions. They are role models who people try to emulate. So, in effect, how they phrase their arguments and address their prejudices matters. https://twitter.com/faisalqureshi/status/638262326861299712 https://twitter.com/faisalqureshi/status/638260159324688384 https://twitter.com/faisalqureshi/status/638296344071962624 I have also tried to emphasise in this video that regardless of having opposing views, we as people need to learn to engage the other with respect, in the same way we expect it from others. Pakistan Zindabad!

A country must be a mother. No other person could suffer so much at your hands and still call you its own. We may call Pakistan our mother, we may respect it as if it was our mother, we may even love it like our mother but is there a place for mothers, sisters, and daughters in this Pakistan? Is there no country for women? We are quick to stand up in arms when the sanctity of our adopted mother is called into question. We are often told,

“The sovereignty of Pakistan must come first.”

“What if she was someone’s mother, someone’s sister or someone’s daughter?”

Jawani Phir Nahi Ani (JPNA), without a doubt, has been one of the most anticipated movies of the year. The reasons include its well-known star studded cast which includes Hamza Ali Abbasi, known for his controversial statements regarding the movie, Mehwish Hayat, who’s seen in a completely different light since the release of her item song, and Vasay Chaudhry, who is known for his inspirational tales. The movie also highlights heavy brand endorsements. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2lacxk[/embed] The movie revolves around three childhood friends, Saif (Hamza Ali Abbasi), Sheikh (Vasay Chaudhry) and Pervez (Ahmed Ali Butt), who are married and settled in their lives but are afraid of their wives. Their friend Sherry (Humayun Saeed), a divorce lawyer, returns to Pakistan from the US to meet them, only to discover that their lives are literally miserable because of their wives. Hence, he decides to take his friends to a boys’ trip to Bangkok to add some spice and excitement into their lives. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] While in Bangkok, however, things get out of hands when Marina (Mehwish Hayat), daughter of Bichchhi Don (Ismail Tara) falls in love with Sherry and insists on marrying him. Sherry, on the other hand, has no such intentions and wants to leave Bangkok immediately with his friends. Furthermore, on the 11th hour, their secret is out when the trio of wives show up in Bangkok and raid the hotel they’re staying at. Sherry puts the blame on his friends by telling their wives that the trip was their idea and not his. This results in their wives asking them for a divorce as they had lost all trust in their husbands.

This year witnessed Pakistani cinema step out of a murky and Bolly obsessed past into a well-choreographed, seductive, witty, and innuendo-filled cinematic future. For a country, now in its 69^th year of independence, that once teemed with 1500 movie houses – it’s about time. The 2015 blockbuster, Jawani Phir Nahi Ani (JPNA), was the perfect culmination to a year of decent Lollywood films. Below are the venerable author’s six astute observations on the three hour Nadeem Baig comedy on the burdened life of three bachelors under the tyranny of their wives. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2ls6q2[/embed] 1. “What happens in Bangkok stays in Bangkok” [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] ...is every Pakistani bachelor’s motto because getting a visa to Thailand is way easier, than trying to make it to the actual Sin City (Las Vegas). 2. ‘Bwoooyz’ trip [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] JPNA’s male characters are appealingly recognisable – the slick, sweet talker (Humayun Saeed), the slightly overweight class quipster (Ahmed Butt), the self-conscious dork (Vasay Chaudry), and the perennially skirt-chasing Don Juan (Hamza Ali Abbasi). Our band of lotharios head to Bangkok to fulfil their ultimate stereotypical male fantasies; Thai ‘massages’, beers on the beach (Adios amigos to the orange juice ke glasses at Port Grand Karachi), and night-time car rides with the top down. And, of course, no Pakistani ‘bwoyz’ trip is complete without the unabashedly obvious ogling of bikini-laden jiggly décor aka white female tourists. The JPNA male cast pulls off the sleazypan in a classically lascivious manner that only our desi and Arab male counterparts seem to be capable of. (To all those slamming Hamza Ali Abbasi as a hypocrite for his comments post-production, please note, it seems that the bechara had mistaken the bikini-walis to be CIA operatives. It happens to the best of us, okay?) After too many hours of too many hijinks, the movie predictably diffuses into an ‘all is well that ends well’ dream sequence as the misbehaving boys get what they are supposed to, also known as the love of their wives, as well as everything else they want, without even really having to try. In JPNA’s covertly misogynistic world, the lying and cheating husbands’ estranged wives take a journey from Karachi to Lahore to tell them they miss them and ask them to come home. 3. Piece bara tait aey [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Despite the film’s grossly frequent misogynistic overtures (please refer to all scenes from Thailand and the final courtroom scene), the female characters still manage to take charge of JPNA and steal the spotlight. The heady combination of a hormonally charged up, very pregnant (both in reel and real life), gun-toting Pakhtun wife (Sarwat Gilani), the uptight, let-me-ignore-shady husband’s-misgivings wife (Ayesha Khan), the overworked, overbooked mother (Uzma Khan), the selfie obsessed drama queen fiancée (Sohai Ali), and the ballsy, tequila chugging girlfriend (Mehwish Hayat) dominate the screen in a way that is brave and impossible not to care about. Wannabe mullahs everywhere will tell you this is not the real Pakistan and this is not the archetypal Pakistani woman. While that’s not entirely inaccurate it’s also not entirely true. These women do represent at least some types of the average Pakistani woman. And they do it skilfully and beautifully. You don’t have to be comfortable with or even like a drunken-with-daddy-issues Mehwish Hayat, an overworked, too busy for lovemaking Uzma Khan, or the insanely annoying daddy’s girl Sohai Ali who lives for Instagram. But you still have to doff your hat to the way in which some of our industry’s most talented actresses execute these characters. 4. All is ‘Fair and Lovely’ when it comes to product placement [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="565"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] Everything is a product in JPNA, so much so that even the cast has trouble separating out what they think is marketable to the Pakistani masses from what they actually want. Does Hamza Ali Abbasi really want to wear that much Levis? There is such a thing as too much crucifixes, plaid and denim on a grown man. And does Sohai Ali really want to openly reveal her beauty as a result of skin bleaching Fair and Lovely at her own mehndi party? No one really wants to admit ye hai Fair and Lovely ka jalwa. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x338nzq[/embed] These random brand plugs leave the viewers unnecessarily distracted, and no more or less likely to use a Habib Bank credit card machine. But, okay. Films funders are funders. 5. A comedy of (fairly) epic proportions [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption] JPNA made me laugh till my kidney hurt. But that doesn’t change the fact that that the film is essentially a three hour Humayun Saeed self-congratulatory fantasy. For the sake of Allah, please tell me why the man insists on dressing like a dulha (groom) with Shahrukh Khan-esque sultry gazes and highlighted hair rivalling on-screen love interest Mehwish Hayat’s hair? With maybe 30 minutes of a plot that has been unbearably diluted to a feature length film – albeit with a great cast and attractive celebrity cameos (ahem, hey, Fahad Mustafa!) – my fellow moviegoers and I gasped in mild horror and looked at our watches when the intermission sign flashed on the screen because, no lie, at hour one I was satisfied and ready to go home. 6. In Lollywood, past is the past [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Jawani Phir Nahi Ani Facebook page[/caption]  JPNA is Lollywood’s conciliatory move telling you the past is prologue. The soundtrack hits the spot by sneakily following the current Bolly inspired formula for acoustic success; Yo Yo Honey Singh wali beat, scantily clad women, film’s leading men mock rapping in a dark room with sunglasses on for non-visual reasons, and approximately thirty random shout outs to five different alcohol brands. Bacardi may or may not have been a film sponsor. Either way, the soundtrack fills the bill and this author guarantees that Fair and Lovely and Nach Ke Dekha will be playing in all shaadi (wedding) halls this winter. [embed width=“620”]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x378enp[/embed] The wedding sets and choreography rival a Karan Johar flick. The ridiculously over-the-top and maddening fiasco that has become Pakistani wedding preparation is emulated perfectly in a brief sequence with Sohai Ali and Bushra Ansari’s interactions with unknown, run of the mill designer XYZ charging a couple of crores for medicority (“But it’s my first wedding, mummy”). Humayun Saeed’s sherwani game is so on point it’s like looking at a visually similar sketch of Shahrukh Khan (SRK) circa Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, Kal Ho Naa Ho, etc. In fact, throughout the full three hours the man does not let us forget he’s the self-proclaimed SRK of Lollywood. Finally, the entire cast expertly capitalises on the mantra ‘sex sells’. The sexual innuendo is on point. From Javaid Sheikh suggestively gyrating on a motorbike, to Humayun Saeed instructing Mehwish Hayat to get down on her knees (to dodge a bullet, but of course), the comedy is evocative and as subtle as a blow to the head. So leave your morals, religious convictions, and fatwas at home. This is the Naya Pakistan.

(Authors note: Before forming judgment, I urge readers to read this article to the end.)

Argument: If you legalise homosexuality, fathers will be more likely to prey on their sons and other boys in the family. Hence, legalising homosexuality encourages incest and child molestation. (Sent in by various people)

Argument: Child molesters are now demanding the same rights as homosexuals. (Sent by Anonymous)

Argument: You say homosexuality and heterosexuality are only legal between consenting adults. By the same argument, can you not argue in favour of incest between consenting adults? If two members of the family above the age of 18 wish to be intimate, then are you in favour of them also? What’s the difference? And if you have no argument against it, then isn’t legalising homosexuality paving the road for legalising incest? (Asked by various people)

“Incest often leads to traumatic bonding, a form of relatedness in which one person mistreats the other with abuse, threats, intimidation, beatings, humiliations, and harassment but also provides attention, some form of affection, and connectedness.”

“Incestuous connections lead to an overlap of family relationships and social roles and thus to a disturbance of a family bereft of (clear) assignments… Children of an incestuous relationship have great difficulty finding their place in the family structure and building relationships of trust with their next caregivers. The vital function of the family for the human community… is crucially disturbed if its ordered structure is shaken by incestuous relations.” Argument: Well, if you can argue that legalising incest between adults encourages molestation, then why can’t you argue that legalising homosexuality between adults will also encourage molestation? Isn’t it the same thing? (Sent in by anonymous)

Argument: But alright, for argument’s sake, why should incest be illegal even between consenting adults? Let’s just talk about incest between adults.

Argument: What if the adults in an incestuous relationship use protection during intimacy?

“When a young man falls in love with another man, no family is destroyed. Homosexuality is largely immutable, as the chronic failure of ‘ex-gay’ ministries attests. So if you forbid sex between these two men, neither of them is likely to form a happy, faithful heterosexual family. The best way to help them form a stable family is to encourage them to marry each other. Incest spectacularly flunks this test. By definition, it occurs within an already existing family. So it offers no benefit in terms of family formation. On the contrary, it injects a notoriously incendiary dynamic— sexual tension— into the mix. Think of all the opposite-sex friendships you and your friends have cumulatively destroyed by ‘crossing the line’. Now imagine doing that to your family. That’s what incest does. Don’t take my word for it. Read ‘The Kiss’. Or the sad threads on pro-incest message boards. Or what Woody Allen’s son says about his dad: ‘He’s my father married to my sister. That makes me his son and his brother-in-law. That is such a moral transgression. I cannot see him. I cannot have a relationship with my father …’”

“Homosexuality is an orientation. Incest isn’t. If the law bans gay sex, a lesbian can’t have a sex life. But if you’re hot for your sister, and the law says you can’t sleep with her, you have billions of other options. Get out of your house, for God’s sake. You’ll find somebody to love without incinerating your family.”

Pakistani actor, Hamza Ali Abbasi, is always in the headlines for one reason or another. Recently, I wrote an article criticising his comments that apparently belittled Pakistan’s minorities. However, this time I am writing to congratulate him on supporting Pakistan’s minority Muslim communities – or at least those that self-identify as such. In a post on Facebook this weekend, Mr Abbasi said, He later replaced Shias with “any other group” when he came under fire for lumping them with the Ahmadis. His core message remained the same though. Mr Abbasi stated that judging someone’s faith – whether they were Muslim or not, and how ‘true’ of a Muslim they were – was a prerogative of God alone. Human beings must not judge others, or at least not punish and hurt others based on their own judgment. This is a very simple concept. But in Pakistan, where narrow-minded intolerant religious scholars still yield control of religion, it is taboo to state such simple things. Where, instead of God, ‘wrong numbers’ have hijacked His role and become judge and jury in matters of faith. And common Pakistanis have fed on this intolerance for far too long. According to a recent PEW survey, for instance, 66% of Pakistanis said they consider Ahmadis to be non-Muslim and 37% considered Shias outside the fold of Islam. Most Pakistanis I meet, including most of my fellow doctor colleagues from medical school, justify and defend the anti-Ahmadi laws. It is this right-wing majority of Pakistan that Mr Abbasi was trying to educate. If they really do believe Ahmadis or another Muslim community were non-Muslim, they must leave the matter to God, who would decide between men on the Day of Judgment. They did not have to resort to legislation and punishments. No one has the right to hurt anyone or take away their rights based on differences of faith. Everyone must be treated equally as citizens of the State. The problem in Pakistan is that Ahmadis have been declared non-Muslim in the Constitution. As if this judgment was not enough, the State also passed specific anti-Ahmadi laws in 1984. These laws prescribe a three-year jail term for any Ahmadi ‘posing as a Muslim’. Where Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) defined Muslims by the Kalima, we started jailing Ahmadis for reciting it. Numerous Ahmadis have been jailed for reciting the Kalima, reading the Quran, saying prayer publicly, saying the Azaan, identifying as Muslim etcetera. The Pakistani State and clergy have taken up the role that Mr Abbasi rightly says belongs to God alone. The country’s founder, Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah, expressed the same principle when right-wing clergy pressed him to declare the Ahmadis non-Muslim through the official Muslim League platform. He famously stated in 1944:

“Ahmadis are Muslims, if they say they are Muslims and no one, not even the sovereign legislature, has the right to say otherwise.”

“You are free; you are free to go to your temples, you are free to go to your mosques or to any other place or worship in this State of Pakistan. You may belong to any religion or caste or creed -- that has nothing to do with the business of the State.”

The recent attack in Paris was a day that represented humanity’s darkest side. It shook France, it shook Europe and it shook the world. While there was an outbreak of grief and support for the victims, our very own Facebook enigma, Hamza Ali Abbasi, opened up his usual can of hate mongering with the following status update: No one denies that people have vested interests, and in matters of geo-politics, there will always be some form of selectivism. No one also denies that the selectivism in question needs to be highlighted. But is it necessary to take up an anti-western stance in times like these? Is it mandatory to feed on hate in times like these? Is it compulsory to take out the victim card? There is a time and place for everything, and the attack on Paris was not the time to do the aforementioned things. This was a time to unite and recognise that we all face a common enemy that has no religion, faith, and humanity. This was a time to highlight how the world needs to come together and fight this very enemy. This was a time to self-reflect and see what part we are playing in making the world a better and safer place, not just for us, but the generations that will follow. This was not the time to spew hate. This was not the time to brush up conspiracy theories. This was not a time to divide the world by using the victim card. Frantic religious nationalism and playing the victim card is a dangerous thing to begin with. When it is practiced by someone who is in the public eye and has a large support base, the effect multiplies. Abbasi needs to realise this, and the sooner he does, the better. As a public figure, he has the unique opportunity to preach tolerance and unity, but unfortunately, he seems to be hell bent on playing the anti-western world drum, using ironically, a western social media platform. On top of this, Abbasi only seems to be interested in voicing his opinions when it comes to tragedies linked to the Muslim world. One should ask him, if he is against hypocritical attitudes, why does he not display support for tragedies than unearth in the non-Muslim world? Has he ever condemned the Holocaust? Has he ever condemned the atrocities in China?  Has he ever spoken to raise awareness for issues in Africa? Does he condemn the 9/11 blasts every year? Of course he does not. Why? Because these tragedies do not involve Muslims. It is safe to say that Abbasi, just like millions of others, practices the same level of hypocrisy that he blames the western world for. He himself is practicing selective humanity and to quote the man himself, “it is exactly this ‘selective’ humanity and imperialistic mind-set which leads to hatred”.

All hell broke loose and the balance of the world was skewed when Hamza Ali Abbasi took to social media to write about his grievances yesterday. Usually the most popular regarding his views, this was the first time when tables were turned on him because he spoke up for Ahmadis. I am sure as he went to sleep last night, he must have been astounded with the reality check he got from people who were previously his fans and now out for his blood. His first post highlighted how Pakistanis are quick to condemn and mourn for people dying in Syria, Iraq, France or even humanity but when it came to their own people, they said nothing. In fact, they were perfectly alright with it. What followed in the midst of a handful of support were comments that further proved his point. They stated reasons as to why there was nothing wrong with torching of the factory as the people had committed blasphemy. No one had any qualms that little children had been killed too. The charges of blasphemy were also just hearsay and not proven. Abbasi tried to explain further by giving people a lesson in civics and how to go the police when there is a problem. He had to explain to people that if they kill, it is a bad thing. Yes, that was the level of intellect he was up against. He later mentioned an Ahmadi place of worship had been taken over and how people should not complain if another country thinks Muslims should be killed for their belief, as they were doing the same thing themselves. As expected it fell on deaf ears. Clearly becoming a little distraught at this point, he said that even if the people think Ahmadis are not Muslims, they should realise that they are citizens of a Muslim majority state, and it is the duty of every Muslim to protect their rights, as they are dhimmis (non-Muslims) or part of the minority. Literally spelling it out like for a child, he was telling them “to hurt others is not a good thing”. He also stated that when you hurt them, it is out of anger and not for Allah. Instead he got threatened by people to watch his back, they made violent jokes about Ahmadis, how sickened they were of Abbasi; everyone oblivious that all he was asking for was for people to treat others well. To not resort to violence every time. His personal life was attacked and how he must be the worst kind of Muslim out there. Completely missing out the irony in their comments, they were saying that the best kinds of Muslims kill people over their beliefs. Someone likened Ahmadis to Jews, dogs, while others called them apostates. One was kind enough to give his violent opinion, but then ended it with “but don’t kill them”. I don’t know whether to commend him on knowing that murder is wrong, or to hit him on the head and tell him that all people have rights. The cake was, the most birdbrained comment from another genius who said that Abbasi’s surname must be Qadiani. “Come out of the Ahmadi’s closet” was also a popular statement.   I would have thought this was one of those laughable moments, but then this happened.   Yes, an actual TV channel asked him to come clean about being an Ahmadi. This logic is far too advanced for me. To speak up for another it means that you are one too? Do you have to be an Ahmadi in order to defend them? If you speak up for Shias, does it mean you are Shia? If you speak up for Christians, does it mean you are Christian? I’m guessing no. Then why does this logic apply when it comes to Ahmadis? No one is arguing on whether they are Muslims or not. Abbasi did not do that either, he left it to people to decide. All he asked for was them to be left alone and be given the same rights as others. Well, when it comes to Pakistan, no one has any rights, but I’m sure he meant not to kill them or to take over their places of worship and bully them to cower in fear. Whatever happened to being compassionate, humane, and empathetic? How would these aggressive people like to live every night in fear knowing that they could be attacked at any given time? How would they like it if they felt their kids were not safe? I am not a fan of Abbasi or his views, but I have to commend his courage to speak up for people who have no voice in Pakistan, knowing very well about the backlash he will (and did) receive for it. It is not God who takes away the rights of the people. It is the very people who do that by making excuses to fuel their own hatred and insecurities. God doesn’t need people to handle His business. I have repeated this time and time again, and will do so here as well, that only an insecure person with weak faith is bothered by others practices. If his faith is strong, he would not butt into other people’s business as religion is supposed to be personal and not shoved down everyone’s throat literally gagging them! They scream Islam is peaceful and tolerant, yet act the complete opposite way, then cry buckets when people say Muslims are violent. Can anyone see the circle here? When the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) kills, they shout that anyone who kills another can’t be a Muslim and yet when it comes to Ahmadis, they look away like this is the exception to the rule - that it is meant to be broken? Who here is the perfect Muslim and in a position to tell others how to practice their religion? No one. And what kind of example are you setting by acting violent and full of hatred? Please remember, unless you act differently, you are no better than the ISIS. 

With her glamorous attire, overdone makeup, and studio lights shining bright on her face, we see a lady sitting on a couch, speaking in a soft, polite tone, getting ready to appear on television and give a lecture on morality, etiquettes and civility. The show host believes that she, much like her morning show fraternity, is the only person capable of saving Pakistan from its moral failures. In this particular segment of her show, the topic of discussion revolves around the treatment of people belonging to a lower socio-economic class in Pakistan. Her guest on the show belongs to the very same class. The host exhibits grace and poise, and shows her utmost interest in the poor man’s life. She helps her audience understand and sympathise with the poor man’s plight, all the while seeming disheartened. Soon the segment comes to an end, and one cannot help but feel sad at our world’s reality and praise the host for her work. This wonderful host is none other than our very own Ayesha Sana. As I opened my laptop to watch something lighter, something to make me feel good, I came across a video shared by my friend on his Facebook timeline, a video unmasking the ugly and dark side of the host who I couldn’t stop praising just a few moments ago. The perception of humbleness, modesty and softness shatters and a screaming hulk is unleashed, throwing abuses and insults at fellow subordinates. A lady who was seen lecturing on morals and civility a few moments ago had now turned into something that can be an apt definition of the word ‘philistine’. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1zffa8_ayesha-sana-ka-asal-chehra-dekhien_news[/embed] Giving her the benefit of doubt, I assumed she had probably had a really bad day and hence the hulk-like outburst, but I was proven wrong… again and again. A new video seems to be making rounds on Facebook where Ms Sana is seen being, well… herself. This time, the recipients are her hair stylists, who have apparently ‘further ruined’ her hair. But we wouldn’t even have imagined such behaviour because once she gets on that stage and the camera starts rolling, she turns into a fairy with a magical twist in her tongue, spilling nothing but humble and sweet words. This hallmark hypocrisy runs deep in our society. From Hamza Ali Abbasi’s religious fervour to Aamir Liaquat’s saintly outlook and cheap shenanigans, there is a certain hypocrisy we see between what is said and what is done in reality. Ayesha Sana is a representative of each one of us. Take a moment and reflect on how we behave with our servants, maids, workers and subordinates? We all lecture on morals and ethics but how many of us actually follow what we preach? Her videos should not be taken as a source of amusement. Laughing over it only proves our collective moral bankruptcy. Instead of sharing the videos with your friends, we should boycott her and her show. We don’t need such blatantly hypocritical and pretentious people in our TV fraternity, let alone our society. Ayesha Baig, one of the hair stylists, took to social media, sharing her side of the story, stating that the whole fiasco was merely an attention-seeking rant. I, for one, demand Ayesha Sana to publically apologise to all the people she insulted and disrespected. No one deserves to be treated like Ms Sana treated her subordinates. Just because she is a famous TV show host does not mean she has the liberty to scornfully abuse people who she may think are beneath her.

1. The one-of-a-kind fashion show At the top of the list, it has to be the one-of-a-kind fashion show that took place at cow mandi, Lahore. ‘Qurban hojana’ took a literal turn when models took to the ramp. Ok, perhaps, there was no ramp but rather sand and a little mud with questionable manure thrown about here and there as decor. This was when both fully accessorised women and cattle walked together, limb to limb accentuating their… I actually don’t know what.  2. Corporate Trolling An ad with a sprawled Nargis Fakhri appeared on the front page of an Urdu newspaper. Some hated it, few were shocked, while others spent their whole time licking the newspaper page that whole week. The turn was when Faisal Qureshi appeared in the exact pose (though a tad bit challenged in the gluts area) on the same paper and the term ‘Corporate Trolling’ was introduced. Rumors are that Nargis has been calling up Faisal to learn how to pose in a way where people don’t objectify her and pay attention just to the product she is selling. 3. The now infamous Sapphire Lawn sale. No guard, no Ranger, no tank, no drone, no one could have stopped those determined ladies from acquiring what they had come for. Even the Taliban touched their ears to do “Tauba” saying,

“These ladies are too vicious even for us. Malala hi achi thi bhai.”

“If you can wear pants, why can’t I wear your sharara?”

“I hate more.” “No no, I do!”

It is the first day of January of 2016. Yes, the New Year has begun. We are all a bit older, wiser, and sadly, a little closer to death. Naturally, this is the perfect time to look back at some of the news stories that made headlines in Pakistan and across the world. Girls at Dhabas: For Pakistanis worn down by the taxing life of the big city, nothing quite reignites the brain cells like a good cup of doodh pati (tea). Sold at dhabas (roadside restaurants), these delicious cups of hot tea brewed in milk are consumed by the masses at every corner of the country with great regularity. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Indiegogo[/caption] While women aren’t barred from dhabas, they aren’t as regular a fixture at these small tea shops as men due to various social norms. When regular tea consuming friends Sadia Khatri, Natasha Ansari, Rabeea Arif and Najia Khan, decided to confront the gender disparity, they started the hashtag #girlsatdhaba. Little did they know that their movement would take on a life of its own. Today, the initiative has thousands of fans on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. #girlsatdhaba has been covered by news websites such as The Express Tribune and Buzzfeed, and has even caught on in the neighbouring India. This, of course, is fantastic. The patriarchal mindset of Pakistani society will start changing when women reclaim their social spaces. Our men need to become accustomed to seeing single or groups of women in public settings without male escorts. I, for one look, forward to #girlsonscooters #girlsinjeans and #girlsdrivingtaxis as the next Pakistani social movements. Pakistan demands return of Koh-i-Noor diamond from Britain: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="640"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] After some Indians sued England’s Queen Elizabeth for the return of the Koh-i- Noor diamond, many Pakistanis scoffed,

“You’re kidding right? Ranjit Singh’s capital was Lahore. His empire was in Pakistan. He was born in a Pakistani city. His granddaughter died a Pakistani. OK so it was India at the time… but still!”

“See… see?”

“What? Have they even been to Karachi?”

“In this case, the online dating portal Miss Travel did conduct a survey to collect opinions on ‘the Sexiest Nationalities’, but they were based on one sample male from different countries as an example. And the only contribution from Pakistan to that list was Zayn Malik, a 22-year-old born and bred in Bradford, United Kingdom, and whose remotest relation to Pakistan is that his father hails from this country.

But did the article-churning, social media sharing machines care? Nope. Every single post that has been circulated ever since this story went viral has pictures of Pakistani celebrities like Hamza Ali Abbasi, Fawad Khan, Ali Zafar, and Imran Khan plastered all over the place. Were they even a part of this survey? Did any of the participating 66,309 American females ever see even so much as a photograph of these celebrities before they hit Zayn Malik’s name on that opinion poll questionnaire? Highly unlikely.”

“Ho Mann Jahaan”, apparently among Pakistan’s most anticipated films, released recently to packed houses and rave reviews. While there's enough in the film to keep you glued to the seats, Pakistan has definitely seen better films lately. An amazing soundtrack, a boisterous star-cast, decent acting, ample use of flashy colours, spectacular cinematography and some great locales are some of the film’s strong points. However, there's more to the film; and far more shades of grey that go well in one flick. So here’s a round-up of the deeper meanings and greater life lessons from “Ho Mann Jahaan”. No spoilers are given here, partly because there’s not much to give from the plot-line! 1. Boys and girls can never really be friends. You might be buddies for life and all that, but all your friends from the opposite gender are eventually going to hit on you - it’s just a matter of time. Yes, even if your female best friend is committed to your male best friend. However, it totally depends on you if you prefer sweeping all this awkwardness under the carpet and are intent upon showing absolutely killer moves on “Shakar Wandaan” with the very same friends. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOCO6FrxD4M 2. You might belong to the lower strata of society, and may also carry your humble foundations on your arm; but that won't stop you from looking dapper at will. Also, you can deliberately pronounce monotonous as mo-no-tone-ous to convince us of your lack of privileges, but owing to your showy friends and high-profile (and Sheheryar Munawar looks), that still comes across as a totally acceptable pronunciation and we start doubting our own. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 3. Your life might be a complete mess, replete with all the tragedies that would give “Umrao Jaan” a run for her money; but all these problems come with a simplistic-to-the-point-of-stupid solution. You can always end up having (or feigning, if you’re strong-nerved) a nervous break-down and you are done: happy endings! So yeah, you just need a hospital admission or Mahira Khan to rescue you from life. The second one might not always work, so we’re sticking with the former. And so is Adeel Hussain! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Screenshot[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 4. Speaking of which, it has been sadly revealed that there’s only so much you can digest (and appreciate) in the name of Mahira Khan. And this is something coming from a person who watched “Bin Roye” twice for her. You might have a great cast to begin with, but you cannot expect it to swim across the ocean and come out alive if your script is tissue-paper thin. 5. Cameos might have registered themselves as the ‘in’ thing, but they are sure to be met with indifference (or worse, yawns) if they do little to compliment the story-line. Who would've thought that the sight of heart-throbs like Fawad Khan, Zohaib Hassan, Zeb Bangash and Hamza Ali Abbasi would be met with such a deafening silence. Or maybe it was just the Lahori cinema I watched the movie in. - Parents will always understand you at the end of the day, and vice versa. In this Pakistani version of “Taare Zameen Par”, with exceedingly more aged and better looking actors - the relationship between parents and kids uses a convenient brush-up. This movie must be mandatory watching for all the parents out there. They’re sure to come out as better ones afterwards. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 6. If you’re single and a bit too eager to mingle, friends’ mehndis are where you should be heading. You can always count on finding a hot, compatible, eligible match for you. (Hint: they will approach you with all the Bollywood clichés - your table is empty and they’ll ask if they can take a seat; followed by the usual - ‘I don't really know many people here!’). To which you’re like, “Hell, baby. Now you know me well-enough. For life, that is!” [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 7. Your dad might be a border-line fanatic, but he’ll just accept you if you're strong-headed enough. And he won’t go berserk after barring you from stopping music and then seeing you on national television out of the blue. You just have to present him, very sweetly, an invitation to your wedding (about which, again, he has no idea), and he will be there to bless you in all his might. Well the film has already been playing for a bit too long, so we’re too tired to question the sanity of this! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 8. When they say a film is made on the editing table, they aren’t kidding. A film can always (and I repeat, always) use some sleek editing. And then some more of it. If you’re bent upon dwelling on all the unnecessary bits, go for a TV drama instead. Those things run for years, but there might as well be a reason why more directors all around the world are going for shorter movies. 9. Someone might be flawless. But that does not save them from bagging a role that is meatless. Ask Sonya Jehan! [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Facebook- Ho Mann Jahaan Official[/caption] 10. Songs are imperative for a film, especially when its counting on them so heavily. Also, it is smart to save your best song for last. That way you can assure that the people remain seated to the very end. Otherwise they might leave the hall in search of greener pastures half-way through the film. 11. Everyone is selfish. Everyone uses you for their own good, eventually (especially the men). But stay tuned: Everyone also learns a lesson somehow and then competes with Mother Teresa in selflessness. Okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration there - but given the promising trailers and mammoth-like publicity, so is this film. [embed width-"620" height="348"]https://vimeo.com/142850097[/embed] [poll id="399"]

Mannu: “Amma, amma. Please mujhay jaaney dain. Main unkay baghair marr jaun gee. Main nahin reh paaun gee. Please mujhay jaaney dain.”  (Mother, mother. Please let me go. I will die without him. I won’t be able to live. Please, let me go)

Dad: “ Jaaney do issaay.” (Let her go) Mom: “Yeh kya keh rahay hain aap?” (What are you saying?) Dad: “Jaaney do issaay!” (Let her go!)

“‘Jao. Khari kyun ho? Raasta khula hai. Tumhain ab koi nahin rokay gaa.” (Go. Why are you standing? Your path is clear. Nobody will stop you.) Mannu: “Aisa na karain, abba. Aap tou mujhe bohat chaahtay hain na. Abba, aap mujhe bohat chaahtay hain na?” (Don’t do this, father. You do love me a lot. Father, you do love me a lot, don’t you?) Dad: “Haan lekin tum mujh se zyaada ussey chaahti ho. Main dekhna chaahta hoon k who tumhain qubool kertay hain ya nahin!” (Yes, but you love him more than you love me. I want to see if they will accept you or not.) “Tipu, darwaza khol do aur isko janay do” (Tipu, open the door and let her go.)

Before anyone decides to delve into the 2.6 TB of data that is the Panama Papers, let me state categorically that at least half of the world’s population is out to get us; me, you, that crazy widower two doors down from you, the man on the street peddling Chinese batteries and knick knacks, your vegetable seller, my fruit seller and definitely our cobbler. It’s pertinent to note that this has been the world since the inception of Pakistan, so this should come as little surprise to us. Another aspect that should not surprise us is the fact that some of us knew about the Panama Papers before others and Lord knows how many times those select few tried to get their hands on John Doe to get him to regurgitate all he knew. In the days to come, I am certain that residents and representatives of NA-250 will be carrying around sheaves of documents, brandishing them around like the last figurative nail in the coffin of Nawaz Sharif’s political career. In all likelihood they will haunt the long stretch of chai dhabas in Phase VI like a bunch of Mormons portending the apocalypse. Najam Sethi will likely claim that he had divined this information after closely studying the entrails of a bunch of tittering red-breasted robins that was particularly spry and loquacious that Sunday evening. While his skills related to fowl and all other avian creatures might be on the decline, his astute analysis of politics and financial statements will be of immeasurable use in the days to come, insufferable though it might seem occasionally. Sheikh Rasheed Ahmed will take credit for at least half a terabyte of the data, claiming that he had said the same things many years ago, although in a manner that seemed even more round about than his current assessment of all things relating to Pakistani politics. The Panama Papers come from a man named John Doe; this is of greater consequence than it may seem as Orya Maqbool Jan would want to see a photocopy of his passport. Allegedly this is a standard procedure among serious journalists who want to protect their sources. If no news source is able to satisfy his curiosity by furnishing the aforementioned credentials, Mr Jan would have no recourse but to raise hell on an evening show. This won’t be the first time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgaFz3SpT1I After having seen the men of the house vigorously discuss the issue of authenticity of these godforsaken papers, all the housewives in the country will want to know what all this hubbub is about. Enter the morning show hosts who will deconstruct the lives of all those involved in this scandalous affair. Is Jürgen Mossack Jewish (certainly sounds like it)? Has Ramón Fonseca gotten over his last dalliance with a woman half his age? Where the hell is Panama? Why is it broken up into two pieces? Could they have not opted for a single land mass like Pakistan? In order to aid them in their endeavours they will call upon Hamza Ali Abbasi, because no other political analyst looks quite as delicious as him. Hamza, is by all accounts, the sharpest tool in the shed, provided that, the shed contains only a sledgehammer. Right after meticulously going over his grandmother’s pakora recipe for Ramazan, he will be scheduled to deliver his views on the subject. This would entail a clairvoyant soliloquy conveyed in a voice reminiscent to a host of singing angels, touching upon subjects as far-reaching as nationalism, religious devotion, Cold War propaganda, Palestine, the conflict in Syria, his personal account in a local bank, his tax accountant’s activities, the detrimental  effects of globalisation and propaganda with decidedly Judaic and possibly Hindu overtones. For the figurative cherry on top, everyone will dance afterwards to a suggestive Bollywood song and call it a day. The following day, Hamza will publicly self-flagellate himself for being a part of a seemingly Hindu charade. Raheel Sharif will remain nonplussed about this matter.

Kapoor and Sons has garnered much success after its release, grossing over INR100 crore globally within just one week. But apart from its box-office triumph, the film has also received acclaim for bringing topics such as infidelity and homosexuality, once considered taboo, to the forefront of upper-middle class family dynamics.  Director Karan Johar must be given credit for cleverly casting an actor that women swoon over to break the stereotypical image of gay men in our society. However, it seems Fawad Khan may have committed to the movie before having completely thought it through; his effortless and convincing acting may have done wonders for gay men in India, but the same can’t be said across borders. Not even a little. In Pakistan, homosexuality is a tricky subject. Some may accept it or believe in it. But most people will seek comfort in the deafening silence that comes with the subject. In 2010, a man and a eunuch in Peshawar were put behind bars for allegedly being wed in a private ceremony. The accused, however, said the police falsely arrested them for a crime they hadn’t committed. What followed though was the belief, held by many, that the floods that occurred the following year were ultimately God’s punishment against such ‘evil’. In a country where even a harmless women’s protection bill is hard to pass without controversy and strong opposition, homosexuality remains an issue people prefer not even commenting on and are conditioned to denounce. In my childhood, I was told that even uttering the word ‘pig’ out loud was considered a sin, which is why I referred to it as ‘P’ or ‘P-I-G’. Similarly, in Kapoor and Sons, the protagonist was meant to be a homosexual, yet, the use of the word ‘gay’ was completely omitted. Interestingly, in a recent interview of Fawad with Rajeev Masand, our very own homeboy blushed when asked about his reluctance towards onscreen intimacy. He explained that Pakistani audiences that frequent the cinemas are not ready for cinematic intimacy as it is something they have not really been exposed to. These movies are intended for families. By using sex education as an example, Fawad explains that when it comes to sex, parents find themselves in a tough spot; they have to educate their children on what they find uncomfortable to address and what the children are completely clueless about. Keeping the same logic in mind with respect to homosexuality, when families watch such movies together, how are parents supposed to explain why Fawad’s onscreen mother cannot accept who he is? And well, what is he, exactly? We witnessed how a majority of middle-class people were all praises for Pakistan’s king of controversy Hamza Ali Abbasi and his Facebook status on the legalisation of gay marriage in Pakistan, This post was shared over a 100 times. Every ‘like’ it received is self-explanatory. A more recent example is that of a popular English newspaper that self-censored its international partner’s story on homosexuality: a picture of two men pecking was removed, leaving behind the white space of the newspaper. Despite many liberal voices calling out the move as a defiance of freedom of press, the majority, who tend to disagree with upper-class ideologies, lauded the efforts. This doesn’t come as a shock to us, considering we pacify our close mindedness by classifying natural calamities as forms of punishment. This problem requires our immediate attention. This all explains why, when I was watching Kapoor and Sons at the cinema, the unanimous gasps that followed the plot twist illustrated a silent furore. The laughter of 20-somethings that ensued shortly after revealed just how insensitive and ignorant we can be. A plot twist, that was meant to be serious, transformed into light-hearted humour with comments like, “Niki toh larka nikla” and “Apna bhai toh gay hai” followed by more unapologetically loud giggles. In another interview that aired after the release of the movie, Fawad defended his decision to play a gay character:

“A friend of mine gave me the example of Zia Mohyeddin, who is a very famous Pakistani actor ... He played the role of a eunuch in one of his films. That was a time when people would make fun of eunuchs. So, it was a very bold move. Mohyeddin thought that a normal person would be interested in a movie if the content is good. That interest would get heightened if one put an anomaly in it, like the unlikely character of a eunuch in the plot,”

The editor of an LGBT magazine in Bangladesh was hacked to death two days ago. This is not the first time that something of this nature has happened, and neither will it be the last. Tracing back as far as ancient Greece, up until Christianity became the official religion of the Roman Empire, same-sex unions have existed in some form or the other. The Church was obligated to be critical of non-procreative unions and this began to be seen as deviant behaviour. Soon after, same sex unions became socially and legally unacceptable. However, times have changed as well as our mentality. Scandinavian countries took the first step, with Denmark, Norway and Sweden legalising same-sex unions in 1989, 1993 and 1994 respectively. That being said, opposition to homosexuality continues to exist even in countries that have legalised same-sex marriages. Their arguments incorporate religious concerns. Not only that, they strongly believe that homosexuality defies the law of nature and is capable of ruining traditional marriages and tacitly condones polygamy, etc. It seems as though their list of arguments continues to grow along with their distaste. But despite opposition, acceptance for homosexuality is becoming more common by the day. In countries that have legalised marriage, it is easy to use official records to keep track of how acceptable and common such unions are. Where the other 150 countries are concerned, it is very difficult for their community. One major reason is the disturbing homophobic attitude towards same-sex couples in most of these countries. Let’s take a look at Pakistan – tons of ethnic slurs have become a permanent part of Pakistani society, but there is none more common than that of the homosexual Pakhtun. This slur has been around for what seems like an eternity and illuminates two disturbing features of Pakistani mentality: the generalisation of an entire ethnicity based on racial nonsense passed on from generation to generation (the Sindhi thief, the ugly Bengali etc). That, and sex jokes that mock homosexuality. Growing up in Pakistan, it’s impossible to not come across the Pakhtun and homosexuality stereotype, such is its tragic strength in our public and private debates. Here, it is impossible to defend homosexuality as a private matter between two individuals when the natural order of life and religion is thrown into the middle to end all arguments. The story of Qaum e Lut (People of Prophet Lut) is a favourite reference point for everyone pounding their Islamic chests and flying the flag of God’s wrath and eternal damnation sky high. While these homophobic reactions are natural from religious people, it’s surprising that the not-so-religious lot share the stance. While discussions with them to not involve stories of Qaum e Lut being told like Shakespearean tragedies, their arguments are horrifically simple – “it is disgusting.” How someone else’s sexual preference disgusts them is the confusing part here. This hatred was excessively evident on social media, the centre stage of people shooting from the hip (not a play on words, my dear homophobic friends). Facebook and Twitter had been abuzz with people expressing support for same-sex relations with various annual pride parades taking place globally some time back. However, on the opposite and sadly much heavier side of the coin, the homophobic attitude was expressed in the most spectacular of manners, exemplified by not only the regular everyday Pakistani Facebook user, but also by celebrities like Hamza Ali Abbasi. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Hamza Ali Abbasi's stance on gay marriage being legalised
Photo: Express Tribune[/caption] The most disappointing aspect is that these homophobic tirades were instigated by educated Pakistanis; these people have traveled the world and have been exposed to different cultures. The people who want to see this country prosper are the same people who are preaching narrow-mindedness towards trivial matters (and one that’s ultimately a personal choice). They are shredding every notion of tolerance for the fellow man into a billion unrecognisable pieces. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Nadeem Farooq Paracha's views on the Pakistani community living abroad
Photo: Facebook[/caption] This whole situation is a sad reminder of where we stand as a society. It is a reminder of how far into the future we need to travel to stretch open the horrifically narrow minds we carry.